When mourning begins

Siman 204: When mourning begins

Presented here for study, not as a practical ruling. The Shulchan Aruch rules by Sephardi custom, the Rema's glosses by Ashkenazi custom, and the Kitzur follows Ashkenazi custom. For a practical question, ask your rabbi.

א מִשֶּׁנִּקְבַּר הַמֵּת וְנִגְמְרָה סְתִימַת הַקֶבֶר בֶּעָפָר, מִיָד מַתְחִילָה הָאֲבֵלוּת, וְחוֹלֵץ הַמִּנְעָלִים שָׁם בְּבֵית הַקְּבָרוֹת. וְאִם צָרִיךְ לֵילֵךְ לְבֵיתוֹ בֵּין שְׁכוּנַת גּוֹים, יָכוֹל לְנָעֳלָם, אֶלָּא שֶׁיִּתֵּן בָּהֶם קְצָת עָפָר (כְּדִלְקַמָּן סִימָן רט סָעִיף ז).
1 The mourning period begins from the time the deceased is buried, and the grave is filled with earth. The mourner must remove his shoes at the cemetery. If he has to walk home through a non-Jewish neighborhood, he may wear his shoes, but should place a little earth in them.
ב אִם בֵּית הַקְּבָרוֹת סָמוּךְ לָעִיר, וְהָאָבֵל לֹא הָלַךְ שָׁמָּה אֶלָּא חָזַר לְבֵיתוֹ, אֵינוֹ צָרִיךְ לִנְהוֹג אֲבֵלוּת, אֶלָּא מִשָּׁעָה שֶׁאוֹמְרִים לוֹ שֶׁנִּסְּתַּם הַקֶּבֶר. וּמִכָּל מָקוֹם אִם הוּא סָמוּךְ לַלַּיְלָה וְרוֹצֶה שֶׁיַעֲלֶה לוֹ יוֹם זֶה, אֲזַי מִשָּׁעָה שֶׁהוּא מְשַׁעֵר שֶׁנִּסְתַּם הַקֶּבֶר, יָכוֹל לִנְהוֹג אֲבֵלּוּת (עַיֵן לְשוֹן הריטב"א בְּמַסֶּכֶת מוֹעֵד קָטָן דף כב שֶׁכָּתַב, אֶלָּא מַמְתִּין עַד כְּדֵי שִעוּר וְכוּ'). וְאִם יֹּאמְרוּ לוֹ אַחַר כָּךְ שֶׁנִּסְתַּם הַקֶּבֶר קֹדֶם הַלַּיְלָה, עוֹלֶה לוֹ זֶה הַיוֹם. וְאִם הוּא עֶרֶב הָרֶגֶל, מְבַטֵּל הָרֶגֶל אֶת הָאֲבֵלוּת שֶׁל שִׁבְעָה.
2 If the cemetery is close to the city, and the mourner did not go [to the cemetery] but went straight home after the funeral service, he does not observe the laws of mourning until he is told that the grave has been filled. However, if night is approaching and he wants this day counted as one of the seven days of mourning, then, from the time he assumes that the grave was filled, he may begin to observe mourning. If he is informed thereafter that the grave was filled before nightfall, he may count that day as one of the seven, and if it was the day preceding a Festival, the Festival cancels the remainder of the seven days of mourning.
ג בִּמְקוֹמוֹת שֶׁשּׁוֹלְחִים אֶת הַמֵּת לְקָבְרוֹ בְּעִיר אַחֶרֶת וְאֵינָם יוֹדְעִים מָתַי יִקְבְּרוּהוּ, אֲזַי הָאֲבֵלִים הַנִּשְׁאָרִים בְּעִירָם, מִיָד כְּשֶׁחָזְרוּ מִן הַלּוְיָה, מַתְחִילִין לְהִתְאַבֵּל, וּמוֹנִים מֵאָז שִׁבְעָה וְגַם שְׁלֹשִׁים. וְהַהוֹלְכִים עִם הַמֵּת עַד מְקוֹם קְבוּרָתוֹ, מוֹנִים מִשֶּׁיִקָּבֵר. וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים, דְּאִם גְּדוֹל הַבַּיִת הוֹלֵךְ עִם הַמֵּת, אֲזַי גַּם הַנִּשְׁאָרִים אֵינָם מוֹנִים אֶלָּא מִשֶּׁיִקָּבֵר. וּמְשַׁעֲרִין לְפִי אֹמֶד הַדַּעַת מָתַי נִקְבַּר, וּמַתְחִילִין לְהִתְאַבֵּל. (וְהַיָמִים שֶׁבֵּינְתַיִם, דִּינָם כְּדִלְעֵיל סִימָן קצו סָעִיף ה' וְסָעִיף ו'). וְדַוְקָא לְחֻמְרָא אָזְלֵינָן בָּתָר גְּדוֹל הַבַּיִת דְּגַם הַנִּשְׁאָרִים אֵינָם מוֹנִים אֶלָּא מִשֶּׁיִּקָּבֵר. אֲבָל אִם גְּדוֹל הַבַּיִת נִשְׁאַר בְּבֵיתוֹ, הַהוֹלְכִים עִם הַמֵּת אֵינָן נִגְרָרִין אַחֲרָיו, אֶלָּא מוֹנִין מִשֶּׁנִקְבָּר.
3 In places where the deceased are sent to another city for burial, and they do not know when he will be buried, the mourners who remain in the city should begin to observe the period of mourning immediately upon returning from the funeral, and count from that time the seven days and the thirty days of mourning. The mourners who accompany the deceased to the place of burial count from the time he was buried. Some poskim maintain that if the head of the family accompanies the deceased, then also those who remain behind count from the time he was buried. They have to estimate the time he was buried, and begin to observe the laws of mourning. (Regarding the intervening days, See above Chapter 196:5, 6) It is only regarding a more strict application that the other mourners follow the head of the family, and even those who remain at home start counting from the time of burial, but if the head of the family remained at home, those mourners who accompany the deceased are not subject to him, rather they begin to count from the time of the burial.
ד מִי שֶׁטָּבַע בַּמַיִם אוֹ שֶׁהֲרָגוּהוּ גוֹיִם וְאֵינוֹ נִמְצָא לְקָבְרוֹ, כָּל זְמַן שֶׁלֹּא נִתְיָאֲשׁוּ מִלְּבַקְשוֹ, לֹא חָלָה לֹא אֲנִינוּת וְלֹא אֲבֵלוּת, וּמֻתָּרִין אֲפִלּוּ בַּתַּשְׁמִישׁ. וּמִשָּׁעָה שֶׁנִּתְיָאֲשׁוּ מִלְּבַקְּשׁוֹ עוֹד, מַתְחִילִין לְהִתְאַבֵּל. וְאִם לְאַחַר יְמֵי הָאֵבֶל נִמְצָא וְהוּבָא לִקְבוּרָה, אֵינָן צְרִיכִין לִנְהוֹג אֲבֵלוּת עוֹד, אֶלָא שֶׁאִם הוּא אָבִיו אוֹ אִמּוֹ, צָרִיךְ לִקְרוֹעַ. וּמִי שֶׁטָּבַע בַּמַּיִם וְיֶשׁ לוֹ אִשָּׁה וְהוּא בְעִנְיָן שֶׁאֵין מַתִּירִין אוֹתָהּ לְהִנָּשֵׂא, אֵין נוֹהֲגִין עָלָיו אֲבֵלוּת, וְאֵין אוֹמְרִים אַחֲרָיו קַדִּישׁ. וּמִכָּל מָקוֹם יִשְׁתַּדְּלוּ לַעֲשוֹת נַחַת רוּחַ לַנְּשְׁמָה לְהִתְפַּלֵּל לִפְרָקִים לִפְנֵי הַתֵּבָה, וְלִקְרוֹת הַהַפְטָרָה, וּלְבָרֵךְ בְּזִמּוּן, וְלִתֵּן צְדָקָה, וְלִלְמוֹד אוֹ לִשְׂכּוֹר מִי שֶׁיִלְמַד עֲבוּרוֹ.
4 If a person drowned, or was murdered by non-Jews, and his body was not found for burial, so long as the search has not been abandoned, the laws of onein and mourning do not apply, and even marital relations are permitted. From the time the search is finally abandoned, they begin to observe the laws of mourning. If, after they finish the period of mourning, the body is found, and brought to burial they need not observe another mourning period. However, if the deceased is his father or mother, he must tear his garments. If a man drowned and left a wife, and proof of his death is so unsubstantiated that she cannot be permitted to remarry, mourning should not be observed for him, and Kaddish should not be recited for him. Nevertheless, his kin should try to ease his soul by occasionally leading the prayers at services in the synagogue, by reading the Haftorah, by leading the Birkas Hamazon, by giving charity, and by learning Torah, or by hiring someone else to learn Torah in his memory.
ה מִי שֶׁמֵּת לוֹ קָרוֹב וְהוּא אֵינֶנוּ שָׁם וְנוֹדַע לוֹ בְּמָקוֹם אֲשֶׁר הוּא שָׁם, מוֹנֶה לַעַצְמוֹ מִשָּׁעָה שֶנּוֹדַע לוֹ. וַאֲפִלּוּ בָּא אַחַר כָּךְ לִמְקוֹם הַמֵּת אֶל שְׁאָר הָאֲבֵלִים שֶׁהִתְחִילוּ מִקֹּדֶם לְהִתְאַבֵּל, לֹא יְקַצֵּר אֲבֵלוּתוֹ בִּשְׁבִיל זֶה. וְכֵן אֲפִלּוּ אִם לֹא נוֹדַע לוֹ עַד שֶׁבָּא אֶל הָאֲבֵלִים, אֶלָּא שֶׁהָאֲבֵלִים אֵינָם בִּמְקוֹם שֶׁמֵּת הַמֵּת וְלֹא בִמְקוֹם הַקְּבוּרָה, גַּם כֵּן מוֹנֶה לְעַצְמוֹ מִשָּׁעָה שֶׁנּוֹדַע לוֹ.
5 If a person lost a relative, and he was not there at the time of death but learned about it later at the place where he is, he should count the days of mourning from the time he became aware of it. Even though afterwards he arrives at the place of the deceased, where the other mourners reside, who began their mourning before he did, he must not abreviate his mourning period because of this. Similarly, even if he was not aware of it until he came to the mourners, but the mourners are neither at the place where the death occurred, nor where he was buried, he too, begins to count [the days of mourning] from the time he became aware of it.
ו אֲבָל אִם לֹא נוֹדַע לוֹ עַד שֶׁבָּא אֶל הָאֲבֵלִים שֶׁהֵם בִּמְקוֹם הַמֵּת אוֹ בִמְקוֹם הַקְּבוּרָה, אֲזַי אִם הָיָה בִּשְׁעַת קְבוּרָה בְּמָקוֹם קָרוֹב, דְהַיְנוּ לֹא יוֹתֵר מִמַּהֲלֵךְ עֶשֶׂר פַּרְסָאוֹת שֶׁהוּא מַהֲלַךְ יוֹם אֶחָד, הֲרֵי זֶה כְּאִלּוּ הָיָה כָּאן בִּשְׁעַת קְבוּרָה וּמוֹנֶה עִמָהֶם. וַאֲפִלּוּ בָּא בְיוֹם שְׁבִיעִי קֹדֶם יְצִיאַת בֵּית הַכְּנֶסֶת, כֵּיוָן שֶׁעֲדַיִן נוֹהֲגִין קְצָת אֲבֵלוּת, מוֹנֶה עִמָהֶם שִׁבְעָה וּשְׁלֹשִׁים. וְדַוְקָא כְּשֶׁגְּדוֹל הַבַּיִת אֶצְלָם שֶׁכֻּלָּם נִגְרָרִין אַחֲרָיו. אֲבָל אִם לֹא הָיָה שָׁם גְּדוֹל הַבַּיִת, מוֹנֶה לְעַצְמוֹ. וְכֵן אִם בָּא מִמָּקוֹם רָחוֹק, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁיֶשׁ שָׁם גְּדוֹל הַבַּיִת, מִכָּל מָקוֹם מוֹנֶה לְעַצְמוֹ.
6 However if he was not aware of it, until he came to the mourners, and they are at the place where the death occured, or at the place where he was buried, then if at the time of the burial he was near by, that is not further than ten parasangs, which is a day's walk, it is considered though he was present at the time of the burial and he counts together with them. Even if he came on the seventh day, before the people leave the Synagogue, since the mourners are still observing some mourning, he counts the seven and thirty days of mourning with them. This is so only when the head of the family is with them, as they all follow him, but if the head of the family is not there, he counts on his own, or if he came from far away, even if the head of the family is there, nevertheless he must count on his own.
ז זֶה שֶׁהוּא מוֹנֶה עִם הַנִּמְצָאִים, אֲפִלּוּ הוּא חוֹזֵר לְבֵיתוֹ, מִכָּל מָקוֹם מוֹנֶה עִמָּהֶם.
7 If a person began counting with the mourners who were present, even if he returns to his home, nevertheless he continues counting with them.
ח גְּדוֹל הַבָּיִת שֶׁבָּא מִמָּקוֹם קָרוֹב אֵינוֹ נִגְרָר אַחַר הַקְּטַנִּים וּמוֹנֶה לְעַצְמוֹ.
8 The head of the family who is close by does not follow the younger members, but counts on his own.
ט מִי הוּא נִקְרָא גְּדוֹל הַבָּיִת? זֶה אֲשֶׁר עַל פִּי הָאֹמֶד, אִם הָיוּ עוֹסְקִין בְּעִזְבוֹן הַמֵּת, הָיוּ הַדְּבָרִים נֶחְתָּכִין עַל פִּיו, וְהָיוּ כֻלָם הוֹלְכִין אַחַר עֲצָתוֹ אֲפִלּוּ הוּא קָטָן בַשָּׁנִים, נִקְרָא גְּדוֹל הַבָּיִת. וַאֲפִלּוּ אֵינוֹ יוֹרֵשׁ, כְּגוֹן שֶׁהָאַלְמָנָה בְכָאן וְהִיא מַנְהֶגֶת אֶת הַבַּיִת, הִיא נִקְרֵאת גְּדוֹל הַבָּיִת. מִי שֶׁהוּא דָר אֵצֶל חָמִיו וּמֵתָה אִשְׁתּוֹ, חָמִיו הוּא הַגָּדוֹל.
9 Who is called the head of the family? It is the one whose judgement would be accepted and whose advice everyone would follow, if they were engaged in dividing the inheritance. Even if he is young in years and even if he is not an heir, he is called the head of the family. For example, if the widow is present, and she manages the household, she is called the head of the family. If a person lives with his father-in-law, and his wife dies, his father-in-law is the head of the family.
י מִי שֶׁשָּׁמַע שֶׁמֵּת לוֹ מֵת, וּכְבָר הִתְפַּלְּלוּ הַצִּבּוּר עַרְבִית וַעֲדַיִן הוּא יוֹם, אִם הוּא עֲדַיִן לֹא הִתְפַּלֵּל עַרְבִית, אֵינוֹ נִגְרָר אַחַר הַצִּבּוּר, וְאוֹתוֹ הַיּוֹם עוֹלֶה לוֹ. אֲבָל אִם הִתְפַּלֵּל עַרְבִית, שׁוּב אֵינוֹ עוֹלֶה לוֹ אוֹתוֹ הַיּוֹם, וּמוֹנֶה שִׁבְעָה וּשְׁלשִׁים מִיּוֹם הַמָּחֳרָת. וְדַוְקָא לְחֻמְרָא אָמְרִינָן הָכִי, וְלָא לְקֻלָּא. שֶׁאִם שָׁמַע בַּיּוֹם הַשְּׁלשִׁים לְאַחַר שֶׁהִתְפַּלֵל עַרְבִית, לָא אָמְרִינָן שֶׁכְּבָר הוּא לַיְלָה וַהֲוֵי לֵהּ שְׁמוּעָה רְחוֹקָה (שֶׁיִתְבָּאֵר דִּינָהּ בְּסִימָן רו) לְהָקֵל עַלָיו, אֶלָּא חָשְׁבִינָן לָהּ לְיוֹם, וַהֲוֵי לֵהּ שְׁמוּעָה קְרוֹבָה, וְיוֹם זֶה עוֹלֶה לוֹ בְּמִמַּה נַּפְשָׁךְ. וּלְעִנְיַן תְּפִלִין בִּשְׁאָר הַיָמִים, אִם שָׁמַע לְאַחַר שֶׁהִתְפַּלֵל עַרְבִית וַעֲדַיִן הוּא יוֹם, יַנִּיחֵם לְמָחָר בְּלֹא בְרָכָה וִיכַסֶּה אוֹתָם. וְאִם הָיָה כֵן בַּיּוֹם הַשְׁלֹשִׁים, מֵנִּיחַ לְמָחָר תְּפִלִין וּמְבָרֵךְ עֲלֵיהֶם בְּמִמַּה נַּפְשָךְ. וְאִשָּׁה שֶׁשָּׁמְעָה שֶׁמֵּת לָהּ מֵת וּכְבָר הִתְפַּלְּלוּ הַצִּבּוּר עַרְבִית, אֶלָּא שֶׁעֲדַיִן הוּא יוֹם, אִם אֵין דַרְכָּהּ לְהִתְפַּלֵל עַרְבִית, נִגְרֶרֶת אַחַר הַצִבּוּר לְחֻמְרָא, וְאוֹתוֹ הַיוֹם אֵינוֹ עוֹלֶה לָּה.
10 If one becomes aware of the death of his relative after the congregation had prayed the Maariv service, but it is still day, if he has not yet prayed Maariv, he is not drawn after the congregation, and he can include that day in his mourning period. If, however, he too had already prayed Maariv, that day is not counted, and he must count the seven days of mourning and the thirty days of mourning from the following day. This rule is applied only for stricter observance and not for leniency. Thus if he becomes aware of the death on the thirtieth day after the burial, after he has already prayed Maariv, we do not say that it is already night and it is delayed news to make it lenient for him, but we consider it as day, and thus it is a timely news. Either way this day counts towards the mourning period. With regard to Tefillin on the other days, if he heard of the death after he has prayed Maariv but it is still daytime, he should put them on the next day without reciting the berachah and he should cover them. If this happened on the thirtieth day, he should put on Tefillin the following day, and should recite the berachah regardless. If a woman heard of the death of a relative, after the congregation prayed the Maariv service, but it is still daytime, if she usually does not pray Maariv, she is drawn after the congregation for the strict application of the law, and that day is not counted as one of the days of mourning.
יא בִּשְׁעַת הַדֶּבֶר, רַחֲמָנָא לִצְלָן, נוֹהֲגִין שֶׁאֵין מִתְאַבְּלִין, מִשּׁוּם בִּעֲתוּתָא. וְאִם עָבַר הַזַעַם בְּתוֹךְ שְׁלֹשִׁים, צָרִיךְ לְהִתְאַבֵּל אָז. אֲבָל אִם לֹא עָבַר עַד לְאַחַר שְׁלֹשִׁים אוֹ שֶׁהִפְסִיק רֶגֶל בֵּינְתַיִם, אֵינוֹ צָרִיךְ לְהִתְתְאַבֵּל אַחַר כָּךְ (עַיֵּן חת"ס סִימָן שמב).
11 During a plague, God forbid, it is customary not to observe any mourning, because of the prevailing fear and panic. If the plague passed within thirty days from the day of death, the laws of mourning must be observed. However, if the plague did not pass, until after thirty days from the day of death, or if a Festival had intervened in the meantime, mourning need not be observed.
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