A mourner may not marry

Siman 213: A mourner may not marry

Presented here for study, not as a practical ruling. The Shulchan Aruch rules by Sephardi custom, the Rema's glosses by Ashkenazi custom, and the Kitzur follows Ashkenazi custom. For a practical question, ask your rabbi.

א כָּל שְׁלֹשִׁים, אָסוּר לִשָׂא אִשָּׁה. וְכֵן אִשָּׁה שֶׁהִיא אֲבֵלָה, אֲסוּרָה שֶׁתִּנָשֵׂא עַד לְאַחַר שְׁלֹשִׁים. וּלְאַחַר שְׁלֹשִׁים, מֻתָּרִין אֲפִלּוּ עַל אָב וָאֵם. אֲבָל לְהִתְקַשֵּׁר בְּשִׁדּוּכִין וּבְלֹא סְעוּדָה, מֻתָּר אֲפִלּוּ תּוֹךְ שִׁבְעָה.
1 During the thirty days of mourning it is forbidden for a man to marry. Likewise, a woman who is a mourner is forbidden to get married until after the thirty days of mourning are over. After thirty days, they are permitted even if they are in mourning for a parent. However, an engagement without a feast, is permitted even during the first seven days of mourning.
ב מֵתָה אִשְׁתּוֹ, לֹא יִשָּׂא אַחֶרֶת, עַד לְאַחַר שָׁלֹשׁ רְגָלִים, כְּדֵי שֶׁעַל יְדֵי שִׂמְחַת הַרְגָלִים, תִּשְׁתַּכַּח מִמֶּנוּ אַהֲבַת הָרִאשׁוֹנָה בְּשָׁעָה שֶׁיִהְיֶה עִם הַשְּׁנִיָה, שֶׁלֹּא יִשְׁתֶּה בְכוֹס זֶה וְיִתֵּן דַּעְתּוֹ עַל הָרִאשׁוֹנָה. וְרֹאשׁ הַשָּׁנָה וְיוֹם הַכִּפּוּרִים, אֵינָם חֲשּׁוּבִים כִּרְגָלִים לְעִנְיָן זֶה. וְגַם שְׁמִינִי עֲצֶרֶת אֵינוֹ נֶחְשָׁב לְרֶגֶל בִּפְנֵי עַצְמוֹ לְעִנְיָן זֶה (עַיֵן חֲתַם סוֹפֵר סִימָן שג). וְאִם עֲדַיִן לֹא קִיֵּם מִצְוַת פִּרְיָה וְרִבְיָה (עַיֵן לְעֵיל סִימָן קמה סָעִיף ב) אוֹ שֶׁיֵשׁ לוֹ בָּנִים קְטַנִּים, אוֹ שֶׁאֵין לוֹ מִי שֶׁיְשַׁמְּשֶׁנּוּ, אֵינוֹ צָרִיךְ לְהַמְתִּין שָׁלֹשׁ רְגָלִים. וּמִכָּל מָקוֹם נִרְאֶה דְּיֵשׁ לְהַמְתִּין עַד לְאַחַר שְׁלֹשִׁים. וְאִשָּׁה שֶׁמֵּת בַּעְלָהּ, צְרִיכָה לְהַמְתִּין תִּשְׁעִים יוֹם (כְּדִלְעֵיל סִימָן קמב סָעִיף יג).
2 If one's wife dies, he should not remarry until the three Festivals have passed ( Pesach, Shavuos, Sukkos). Rejoicing on the Festivals will help him forget his love for his first wife when he marries the second, so that he will not drink from this cup and have his mind on the first cup. Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur are not considered Festivals in this respect. Shemini Atzeress, too, is not considered a separate Festival in this respect. If he has not yet fulfilled the mitzvah of propagation, or if he has young children, or if he has no one to look after him, he need not wait for the passage of three Festivals. Nevertheless, it seems [proper] that he should wait until after thirty days have passed. A woman whose husband died, must wait ninety days before remarrying.
ג מִי שֶׁהֵכִין צָרְכֵי חֻפָתוֹ, וּמֵת אֶחָד מִן הַקְּרוֹבִים שֶׁל הֶחָתָן אוֹ שֶׁל הַכַּלָּה, וַאֲפִלּוּ אֲבִי הֶחָתָן וְאֵם הַכַּלָּה, בַּזְמַן הַזֶּה שֶׁיְכוֹלִים גַּם אֲחֵרִים לְהָכִין צָרְכֵי נִשּׂוּאִין, דּוֹחִין אֶת הַנִּשּׂוּאִין עַד לְאַחַר יְמֵי הָאֵבֶל.
3 When everything had been prepared for the wedding, and one of the relatives of the bridegroom died, or one of the bride's relatives died, even if it was the groom's father or the bride's mother, in our times, since others are able to prepare what is needed for the wedding, the wedding must be postponed until after the days of mourning.
ד אֲפִלּוּ מֵתוּ לְאַחַר שֶׁהֶעֱמִידוּ אֶת הַחֻפָּה, אָסוּר לוֹ לִבְעוֹל עַד לְאַחַר שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי הָאֵבֶל. וְכֵיוָן שֶׁעֲדַיִן לֹא בָעַל וְאָסוּר לוֹ לִבְעוֹל, אֲסוּרִין לְהִתְיַחֵד בְּלִי שׁוֹמֵר (כְּדִלְעֵיל סִימָן קנז). וּלְאַחַר שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי הָאֵבֶל, בּוֹעֵל בְּעִילַת מִצְוָה, וְנוֹהֵג שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי מִשְׁתֶּה.
4 Even if the death occurred after the chupah, the mourner is forbidden to have marital relations until after the seven days of mourning. Since he has not yet had marital relations with her and he is forbidden to have marital relations with her, they are forbidden to be alone without a chaperone. After the seven days of mourning, he may have marital relations with her, and celebrate the seven days of wedding feasts.
ה אֲבָל אִם לְאַחַר שֶׁבָּעַל, מֵת קְרוֹבוֹ שֶׁל הֶחָתָן אוֹ שֶׁל הַכַּלָה, כְּבָר חָלוּ עֲלֵיהֶם יְמֵי הַמִּשְׁתֶּה, וְהֵמָה לָהֶם כְּמוֹ רֶגֶל שֶׁאֵין אֲבֵלוּת נוֹהֶגֶת בָּהֶם, וְעוֹד קַלִּים יוֹתֵר שֶׁמֻּתָּרִים בְּגִהוּץ וְתִסְפֹּרֶת, וְאֵין אֲסוּרִים אֶלָּא בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁבְּצִנְעָא. וּלְאַחַר שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי הַמִּשְׁתֶּה, אָז מַתְחִילִים שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי אֲבֵלוּת. וְגַם שְׁלֹשִׁים אֵינוֹ מוֹנֶה אֶלָּא מִימֵי הָאֲבֵלוּת וְאֵילָךְ. (וְאַף עַל גַּב דְרֶגֶל עוֹלֶה לְמִנְיַן שְׁלֹשִׁים כְּדִלְקַמָּן סִימָן ריט סָעִיף ז, שִׁבְעַת יְמֵי הַמִּשְׁתֶּה אֵינָן עוֹלִין, כֵּיוָן שֶׁמֻּתָּר בְתִסְפֹּרֶת).
5 However, if after they had marital relations a relative of the groom or bride died, they are already subject to the laws pertaining to the week of wedding feasts, which is for them like a Yom Tov, and thus the laws of mourning are not to be observed. These days are even more lenient than a Festival, for they are permitted to put on pressed clothing, and they may have their hair cut. They are forbidden only such things that are done privately. After the seven days of wedding feasts, the seven days of mourning begin. Even the first thirty days of mourning are to be counted only from the beginning of the seven days of mourning. (Although the days of a Yom Tov are always included in the first thirty days of mourning as stated in chapter 219:7, the wedding week is not included since they are permitted to have their hair cut.)
Previous ChapterNext Chapter