Shulchan Aruch, Yoreh De'ah Siman 385

Siman 385

Presented here for study, not as a practical ruling. The Shulchan Aruch rules by Sephardi custom, the Rema's glosses by Ashkenazi custom, and the Kitzur follows Ashkenazi custom. For a practical question, ask your rabbi.

א אָבֵל אָסוּר בִּשְׁאֵלַת שָׁלוֹם. כֵּיצַד, שְׁלֹשָׁה יָמִים הָרִאשׁוֹנִים אֵינוֹ שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹם כָּל אָדָם, וְאִם אֲחֵרִים לֹא יָדְעוּ שֶׁהוּא אָבֵל וְשָׁאֲלוּ בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ, לֹא יָשִׁיב לָהֶם שָׁלוֹם אֶלָא יוֹדִיעֵם שֶׁהוּא אָבֵל. מִג' עַד שִׁבְעָה, אֵינוֹ שׁוֹאֵל, וְאִם אֲחֵרִים לֹא יָדְעוּ שֶׁהוּא אָבֵל וְשָׁאֲלוּ בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ, מֵשִׁיב לָהֶם. מִשִּׁבְעָה עַד ל', שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹם אֲחֵרִים שֶׁהֵם שְׁרוּיִים בְּשָׁלוֹם, וְאֵין אֲחֵרִים שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ, וְכָל שֶׁכֵּן שֶׁמֵּשִׁיב לְמִי שֶׁשּׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ. לְאַחַר ל' יוֹם, הֲרֵי הוּא כִּשְׁאָר כָּל אָדָם. בַּמֶּה דְּבָרִים אֲמוּרִים, בִּשְׁאָר קְרוֹבִים, אֲבָל עַל אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹם אֲחֵרִים אַחַר שִׁבְעָה, וְאֵין אֲחֵרִים שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ עַד אַחַר י"ב חֹדֶשׁ. הַגָּה: וּמֵאַחַר שֶׁאָסוּר בִּשְׁאֵלַת שָׁלוֹם, כָּל שֶׁכֵּן שֶׁאָסוּר לְהַרְבּוֹת בִּדְבָרִים (רַמְבַּ"ם פ"ה וְכָל בּוֹ). וְאִם עוֹשֶׂה לִכְבוֹד רַבִּים, כְּגוֹן שֶׁרַבִּים בָּאִים לְנַחֲמוֹ, מֻתָּר לוֹמַר לָהֶם: לְכוּ לְבָתֵּיכֶם לְשָׁלוֹם, דְּלִכְבוֹד רַבִּים שָׁרֵי (נ"י פֶּרֶק אֵין מְגַלְּחִין וּבְהַגָּהוֹת מיי' וּבְמָרְדְּכַי הִלְכוֹת אֵבֶל). וְיֵשׁ מְקִלִּין הָאִדָּנָא בִּשְׁאֵלַת שְׁלוֹם הָאָבֵל לְאַחַר ל', וְאֵין טַעַם לָהֶם, אִם לֹא שֶׁיַּחְלְקוּ לוֹמַר שֶׁזֶּה מַה שֶּׁאָנוּ נוֹהֲגִים לֹא מִקְרֵי שְׁאֵלַת שָׁלוֹם שֶׁבִּימֵיהֶם (סְבָרַת הָרַב). וְעַיֵּן בא"ח סִימָן פ"ט.

1 In what manner is a mourner forbidden to extend a greeting of peace? — [During] the first three days he does not extend a greeting of peace to anyone. If others were unaware that he is a mourner, and extended to him a greeting of peace, he should not respond to them, but should inform them that he is a mourner. After three and to seven [days] he does not extend a greeting [of peace]. If others were unaware that he is a mourner and extended to him a greeting of peace, he responds to them.. After seven [and] to thirty [days] he extends a greeting of peace to others who abide in peace, but others do not extend to him a greeting of peace, and so much the more that he responds to one who extended to him a greeting of peace. After thirty days he is regarded as all other people. This applies only in the case of other near-of-kin, but [one who is in mourning] for his father or mother, extends a greeting of peace to others after the seven [days of mourning], but others do not extend a greeting of peace to him until after twelve months. Rema: And since he is forbidden to extend a greeting of peace, so much the more is he forbidden to indulge in much conversation. However, if he does [ so ] out of deference to the public, e.g., if many [ people ] came to offer him consolation, he is permitted to say to them, 'Go to your homes unto peace,' — for out of deference to the public, it is permissible. There are some who adopt a lenient view nowadays with respect to extending a greeting of peace to the mourner after thirty days, and [ actually ] they have no grounds for this [ procedure ], unless [ it is possible ] that they make a distinctoin [ in this matter ] by saying that our custom [ today ] of extending [ a greeting to the mourner ] is not regarded [ on the same footing as ] a greeting of peace extended in their [ former ] days.

ב הַמּוֹצֵא אֶת חֲבֵרוֹ אָבֵל בְּתוֹךְ ל' יוֹם, מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין וְאֵינוֹ שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ. לְאַחַר ל' יוֹם, שׁוֹאֵל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ וְאֵינוֹ מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִים כְּדַרְכּוֹ, אֶלָא מִן הַצַּד, שֶׁאֵינוֹ מַזְכִּיר לוֹ שֵׁם הַמֵּת, אֶלָא אוֹמֵר לוֹ: תִּתְנַחֵם. מֵתָה אִשְׁתּוֹ וְנָשָׂא אַחֶרֶת, אֵינוֹ נִכְנָס לְבֵיתוֹ לְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין. מְצָאוֹ בַּשּׁוּק, אוֹמֵר לוֹ: תִּתְנַחֵם, בְּשָׂפָה רָפָה וּבְכֹבֶד רֹאשׁ. אֲבָל אִם לֹא נָשָׂא אַחֶרֶת, מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין עַד שֶׁיַּעַבְרוּ ג' רְגָלִים. וְעַל אָבִיו וְעַל אִמּוֹ מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ תַּנְחוּמִין כָּל י"ב חֹדֶשׁ; לְאַחַר י"ב חֹדֶשׁ מְדַבֵּר עִמּוֹ מִן הַצַּד.

2 One who meets his friend [who is a] mourner, [if] within the thirty days [of mourning], he offers him words of consolation, but does not extend to him a greeting of peace; [if] after thirty days, he may extend a greeting of peace to him, but offers him not words of consolation in one's usual manner, but [makes reference to his sorrow] indirectly, [viz.,] he does not mention to him the name of the dead, but [only] says to him, 'Be consoled.' [If] his [friend's] wife died and he married another woman, he does not enter his home to offer him words of consolation; [if] he met him in the street, he says to him, 'Be consoled' in an undertone and with a bent head. But if he did not marry another woman, he may offer him words of consolation until after three Festivals have passed. However, [if he is in mourning] for his father or mother, he offers him words of consolation throughout the twelve months [of mourning]; after twelve months he makes reference [to his mourning] indirectly.

ג מָקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ לִהְיוֹת שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹם אֲבֵלִים בְּשַׁבָּת, שׁוֹאֲלִים. וְכָתַב הַרַמְבַּ"ם שֶׁהָאָבֵל נוֹתֵן שָׁלוֹם לְכָל אָדָם בְּשַׁבָּת, שֶׁהוּא מִכְּלַל דְּבָרִים שֶׁבְּפַרְהֶסְיָא. הַגָּה: וְאָסוּר לִשְׁלֹחַ מָנוֹת לְאָבֵל עַל אָבִיו וְאִמּוֹ כָּל י"ב חֹדֶשׁ, וַאֲפִלּוּ בְּשַׁבָּת, בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ שֶׁלֹּא לִשְׁאֹל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ בְּשַׁבָּת (תְּשׁוּבַת מהרי"ל סי' ל"א); אֲבָל בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁנָּהֲגוּ לִשְׁאֹל בִּשְׁלוֹמוֹ בְּשַׁבָּת, גַּם זֶה שָׁרֵי.

3 [In] a locality where it is the adopted custom to extend to mourners a greeting of peace on the Sabbath, one may do so. Furthermore, Maimonides writes that the mourner may offer a greeting of peace to everyone on the Sabbath, for [otherwise] this comes under the class of things regarded as public [mourning, which is forbidden on the Sabbath]. Rema: It is forbidden to send [ or bring ] gifts to one who is in mourning for his father or mother, throughout the twelve months [ of mourning ], and even on the Sabbath, in a locality where it is the adopted custom not to extend to him a greeting of peace on the Sabbath; but in a localtiy where it is the adopted custom to extend to him a greeting of peace on the Sabbath, this too, is permissible.

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