Shulchan Aruch, Even HaEzer Siman 21

Siman 21

Presented here for study, not as a practical ruling. The Shulchan Aruch rules by Sephardi custom, the Rema's glosses by Ashkenazi custom, and the Kitzur follows Ashkenazi custom. For a practical question, ask your rabbi.

א צָרִיךְ אָדָם לְהִתְרַחֵק מֵהַנָּשִׁים מְאֹד מְאֹד. וְאָסוּר לִקְרֹץ בְּיָדָיו אוֹ בְּרַגְלָיו וְלִרְמֹז בְּעֵינָיו לְאֶחָד מֵהָעֲרָיוֹת. וְאָסוּר לִשְׂחֹק עִמָּהּ, לְהָקֵל רֹאשׁוֹ כְּנֶגְדָּהּ אוֹ לְהַבִּיט בְּיָפְיָהּ. וַאֲפִלּוּ לְהָרִיחַ בִּבְשָׂמִים שֶׁעָלֶיהָ אָסוּר. וְאָסוּר לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בְּנָשִׁים שֶׁעוֹמְדוֹת עַל הַכְּבִיסָה. וְאָסוּר לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בְּבִגְדֵי צִבְעוֹנִים שֶׁל אִשָּׁה שֶׁהוּא מַכִּירָהּ, אֲפִלּוּ אֵינָם עָלֶיהָ, שֶׁמָּא יָבֹא לְהַרְהֵר בָּהּ. פָּגַע אִשָּׁה בַּשּׁוּק, אָסוּר לְהַלֵּךְ אַחֲרֶיהָ, אֶלָּא רָץ וּמְסַלְּקָהּ לַצְּדָדִין אוֹ לְאַחֲרָיו. וְלֹא יַעֲבֹר בְּפֶתַח אִשָּׁה זוֹנָה, אֲפִלּוּ בְּרִחוּק אַרְבַּע אַמּוֹת. וְהַמִּסְתַּכֵּל אֲפִלּוּ בְּאֶצְבַּע קְטַנָּה שֶׁל אִשָּׁה וְנִתְכַּוֵּן לֵהָנוֹת מִמֶּנָּה, כְּאִלּוּ נִסְתַּכֵּל בְּבֵית הַתֹּרֶף (פי', עֶרְוָה) שֶׁלָּהּ. וְאָסוּר לִשְׁמֹעַ קוֹל עֶרְוָה אוֹ לִרְאוֹת שְׂעָרָהּ. וְהַמִּתְכַּוֵּן לְאֶחָד מֵאֵלּוּ הַדְּבָרִים, מַכִּין אוֹתוֹ מַכַּת מַרְדּוּת. וְאֵלּוּ הַדְּבָרִים אֲסוּרִים גַּם בְּחַיָּבֵי לָאוִין:
1 A person must stay very far from women. He is forbidden to signal with his hands or his feet, or to hint with his eyes, to one of the arayos. He is forbidden to be playful with her, to be frivolous in front of her, or to look upon her beauty. Even to smell the perfume upon her is forbidden. He is forbidden to gaze at women doing laundry. He is forbidden to gaze at the colorful garments of a woman whom he recognizes, even if she is not wearing them, lest he come to have [forbidden] thoughts about her. If one encounters a woman in the marketplace, he is forbidden to walk behind her, but rather [must] run so that she is beside or behind him. One may not pass by the door of a promiscuous woman [or: a prostitute], even four cubits [around 6–8 ft or 2–2.5 m] distant. If one gazes even at the little finger of a woman with the intent to have pleasure from it, it is as though he gazed at her shameful place. It is forbidden to listen to the voice of an erva or to look at her hair. If one intentionally does one of these things, we give him lashes of rebellion. These things are also forbidden in the case of ordinary Biblical prohibitions.
ב לֹא תֵּלַכְנָה בְּנוֹת יִשְׂרָאֵל פְּרוּעוֹת רֹאשׁ בַּשּׁוּק, אֶחָד פְּנוּיָה וְאֶחָד אֵשֶׁת אִישׁ:
2 Jewish women may not go with uncovered head in the marketplace, whether married or not.
ג מֻתָּר לְהִסְתַּכֵּל בִּפְנוּיָה, לְבָדְקָהּ אִם הִיא יָפָה שֶׁיִּשָּׂאֶנָּה, בֵּין שֶׁהִיא בְּתוּלָה אוֹ בְּעוּלָה, וְלֹא עוֹד אֶלָּא שֶׁרָאוּי לַעֲשׂוֹת כֵּן. אֲבָל לֹא יִסְתַּכֵּל בָּהּ דֶּרֶךְ זְנוּת, וְעַל זֶה נֶאֱמַר: "בְּרִית כָּרַתִּי לְעֵינָי וּמָה אֶתְבּוֹנֵן עַל בְּתוּלָה" (אִיּוֹב לא, א):
3 It is permissible to gaze at an unmarried woman to determine if she is attractive, in order [to decide whether] to marry her, whether she is a virgin or not, and moreover it is fitting to do so. But he may not look at her in a promiscuous way, and about this it is said (Job 31:1): "I made a covenant with my eyes, and how can I look upon a virgin?"
ד מֻתָּר לְאָדָם לְהַבִּיט בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהִיא נִדָּה וְהִיא עֶרְוָה לוֹ; אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁיֵּשׁ לוֹ הֲנָאָה בִּרְאִיָּתָהּ, הוֹאִיל וְהִיא מֻתֶּרֶת לְאַחַר זְמַן אֵינוֹ בָּא בָּזֶה לִידֵי מִכְשׁוֹל. אֲבָל לֹא יִשְׂחַק וְלֹא יָקֵל רֹאשׁ עִמָּהּ:
4 It is permitted for a man to look at his wife, even if she is menstrually impure and is an erva to him. Even though he has pleasure in looking at her, he will not come to sin, since she is permissible after a time. But he may not be playful or frivolous with her.
ה אָסוּר לְהִשְׁתַּמֵּשׁ בְּאִשָּׁה כְּלָל, בֵּין גְּדוֹלָה בֵּין קְטַנָּה, בֵּין שִׁפְחָה בֵּין מְשֻׁחְרֶרֶת, שֶׁמָּא יָבֹא לִידֵי הִרְהוּר עֲבֵרָה. בְּאֵיזֶה שִׁמּוּשׁ אָמְרוּ, בִּרְחִיצַת פָּנָיו יָדָיו וְרַגְלָיו, אֲפִלּוּ לִיצֹק לוֹ מַיִם לִרְחֹץ פָּנָיו יָדָיו וְרַגְלָיו אֲפִלּוּ אֵינָהּ נוֹגַעַת בּוֹ, וְהַצָּעַת הַמִּטָּה בְּפָנָיו, וּמְזִיגַת הַכּוֹס. הַגָּה: וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים דְּהוּא הַדִּין בַּאֲכִילָה עִמָּהּ בִּקְעָרָה נַמִּי אָסוּר בְּכָל עֶרְוָה כְּמוֹ בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה (בִּנְיָמִין זְאֵב סִימָן קמ"ג). וְיֵשׁ מְקִלִּין בְּכָל אֵלֶּה, דְּלֹא אָסְרוּ דְּבָרִים שֶׁל חִבָּה אֶלָא בְּאִשְׁתּוֹ נִדָּה (רַשְׁבָּ"א אָלֶף קמ"ח). וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים דְּכָל זֶה אֵינוֹ אָסוּר רַק בִּמְקוֹם יִחוּד, אֲבָל בְּמָקוֹם שֶׁרֹב בְּנֵי אָדָם מְצוּיִים כְּגוֹן בַּמֶּרְחָץ, מֻתָּר לִרְחֹץ מכּוּתִיוֹת שְׁפָחוֹת, וְכֵן נוֹהֲגִים (מָרְדְּכַי פ' אע"פ בְּשֵׁם הָר"ש בַּר בָּרוּךְ). וְיֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים דְּכָל שֶׁאֵינוֹ עוֹשֶׂה דֶּרֶךְ חִבָּה, רַק כַּוָּנָתוֹ לְשֵׁם שָׁמַיִם, מֻתָּר. לָכֵן נָהֲגוּ לְהָקֵל בִּדְבָרִים אֵלּוּ (תּוֹסָפוֹת סוֹף קִדּוּשִׁין). יֵשׁ אוֹמְרִים דְּאֵין לִנְהֹג אֲפִלּוּ עִם אִשְׁתּוֹ בִּדְבָרִים שֶׁל חִבָּה, כְּגוֹן לְעַיֵּן בְּרֵישֵׁהּ אִם יֵשׁ לוֹ כִּנִּים, בִּפְנֵי אֲחֵרִים (נ"י פֶּרֶק חֶזְקַת הַבָּתִּים):
5 It is forbidden to be served by a woman at all, whether she is an adult or a minor, whether a slave or free, lest he come to have forbidden thoughts. What service were they speaking of? Washing his face, hands, and feet, even to pour water so he can wash his face, hands, and feet, even if she does not touch him; or making his bed in front of him; or pouring a drink. Rema: Some say that eating with her with a bowl is also forbidden with every erva, as with his menstrually impure wife. There are those who are lenient in all of this, that they only prohibited affectionate things with one's menstrually impure wife. Some say that all this is forbidden only when they are alone, but in a place like a bathhouse where many people are found, one may be washed by an idolatrous slave woman, and this is the custom. And some say that anything not done in a affectionate manner (בדרך חבה), where his intent is only for Heaven's sake, is permitted. Thus the custom is to be lenient in these things. Some say that one should not do affectionate things even with his wife, such as to inspect her head for lice, in front of others.)
ו אֵין שׁוֹאֲלִים בִּשְׁלוֹם אִשָּׁה כְּלָל, אֲפִלּוּ עַל יְדֵי שָׁלִיחַ, וַאֲפִלּוּ עַל יְדֵי בַּעְלָהּ אָסוּר לִשְׁלֹחַ לָהּ דִּבְרֵי שְׁלוֹמִים. אֲבָל מֻתָּר לִשְׁאֹל לְבַעְלָהּ אֵיךְ שְׁלוֹמָהּ:
6 One may not inquire after a woman's welfare at all, even through an intermediary, and it is forbidden to send regards to her even through her husband. But it is permissible to ask her husband about her welfare.
ז הַמְחַבֵּק אוֹ הַמְנַשֵּׁק אַחַת מֵהָעֲרָיוֹת שֶׁאֵין לִבּוֹ שֶׁל אָדָם נוֹקְפוֹ עֲלֵיהֶם, כְּגוֹן אֲחוֹתוֹ הַגְּדוֹלָה וַאֲחוֹת אָבִיו וְכַיּוֹצֵא בָּהֶם, אַף עַל פִּי שֶׁאֵין לוֹ שׁוּם הֲנָאָה כְּלָל, הֲרֵי זֶה מְגֻנֶּה בְּיוֹתֵר וּדְבַר אִסוּר הוּא וּמַעֲשֵׂה טִפְּשִׁים, שֶׁאֵין קְרֵבִים לָעֶרְוָה כְּלָל, בֵּין גְּדוֹלָה בֵּין קְטַנָּה, חוּץ מֵהָאָב לְבִתּוֹ וּמֵהָאֵם לִבְנָהּ. כֵּיצַד, מֻתָּר הָאָב לְחַבֵּק בִּתּוֹ וּלְנַשְּׁקָהּ וְלִישֹׁן עִמָּהּ בְּקֵרוּב בָּשָׂר, וְכֵן הָאֵם עִם בְּנָהּ, כָּל זְמַן שֶׁהֵם קְטַנִּים. הִגְדִּילוּ, וְנַעֲשָׂה הַבֵּן גָּדוֹל וְהַבַּת גְּדוֹלָה עַד שֶׁיִּהְיוּ "שָׁדַיִם נָכֹנוּ וּשְׂעָרֵךְ צִמֵּחַ" (יְחֶזְקֵאל טז, ז), זֶּה יָשֵׁן בִּכְסוּתוֹ וְהִיא יְשֵׁנָה בִּכְסוּתָהּ. וְאִם הָיְתָה הַבַּת בּוֹשָׁה לַעֲמֹד לִפְנֵי אָבִיהָ עֲרֻמָּה, אוֹ שֶׁנִּתְקַדְּשָׁה, וְכֵן אִם הָאֵם בּוֹשָׁה לַעֲמֹד בִּפְנֵי בְּנָהּ עֲרֻמָּה, וְאַף עַל פִּי שֶׁהֵם קְטַנִּים, מִשֶּׁהִגִּיעוּ לִכָּלֵם מֵהֶם, אֵין יְשֵׁנִים עִמָּהֶם אֶלָּא בִּכְסוּתָן:
7 To hug or kiss one of the arayos whom people do not normally lust after, such as his adult sister or his aunt or similar, even though he derives no pleasure at all, is very reprehensible, forbidden, and the act of a fool. This is because there are no relatives for [the purposes of] licentiousness at all, whether adult or minor, except the father to his daughter and the mother to her son. How is this? A father is permitted to hug his daughter, kiss her, and sleep next to her with flesh touching, and so too a mother with her son, as long as they are minors. When they grow up, so that the son is an adult, and the daughter is an adult until "her breasts are formed and her hair grows" (Ezekiel 16:7), they must sleep clothed. If the daughter is embarrassed to stand before her father naked, or she is betrothed, and likewise if the mother is embarrassed to stand before her son naked – even if they are minors, when they reach the point of being embarrassed, they may not sleep together except clothed.
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